Monday, September 22, 2014

Well!

I just spent an hour and a half thumb-typing out a blog post on my iPhone, pressed "post" and then received an error message stating that my phone couldn't connect to data (this is the downside of the tiny house being so well-insulated). I clicked through to retry uploading it, only to find that the entire post was completely erased, except for one sentence. Gone. All gone. This is powerfully reminiscent of writing papers in high school before Microsoft Word had the autosave function, and losing entire homework assignments when Windows 98 decided to take an unexpected nap.

Normally I would just write it again (as this is not the first time this has happened to me) but I am too frustrated to attempt to rewrite this particular post, because it was a post with a lot of feelings and I am unfortunately not able to access that part of myself right now, because I am to focused on resisting the desire to just eat my phone, intestines be damned.

Instead, here is some food we put googly eyes on:





I sincerely apologize. I will write the feelings hiking post on Wednesday, and I'll write it on a computer, where it is less likely to disappear into the void.

Love,
Clever Girl

Friday, September 19, 2014

69. Part of the Appalachian Trail is Actually a Boat

In Maine, the trail crosses over the Kennebec River. This river is wide, and deep, and subject to the whims of an angry Dam God upstream, that will every once in a while belch a fury of water downriver. This makes it impossible to be able to ford using your own two hiker feet without getting, literally, in over your head. I suppose you could try to make some sort of raft by tying your hiking poles together with paracord on either side of your inflated sleeping pad, but you wouldn't make it very far without losing everything you own, including your dignity. You could also try running AS FAST AS YOU CAN and see if you can skip across the surface of the water like some kind of crazy lizard, but unless you are graced with divine powers, your journey will just end with you being very wet.

The Appalachian Trail maintainers along this section have solved this problem by providing a free ferry service to cross the river, which consists of you putting on a life jacket and paddling your own darn self across the river, aided by a friendly AMC volunteer. Even though you are technically on the Appalachian Trail, they have found that it's impossible to put white blazes on the river because of, well, the physical properties of water... y'know, it flows, or whatever. NO EXCUSES, AMC.

To solve this conundrum, and to help anyone who is very particular and needs to make sure that they're not cheating by paddling a canoe 150 feet across a river, there is an official white blaze painted on the floor of the canoe.


Therefore, officially, part of the Appalachian Trail is actually a boat.

My dad is a retired Coast Guard guy, and I once asked him the difference between a boat and a ship. His answer was very simple:

"You can put a boat on a ship, but you can't put a ship on a boat."




And to answer the question that is surely burning you up inside: Yes, those life jackets were very damp, and yes, they smelled like a decades worth of sweaty hikers. But hey: no drowning!

Love,
Clever Girl

Wednesday, September 17, 2014

70. Avocados

One day, I promise you, I will write about how awesome it is to be able to eat WHATEVER YOU WANT ALL THE TIME when you're a hiker, but that is much higher on this list. It also comes with an exception: 

You can eat whatever you want, all the time, except for when you're actually hiking in which case you are limited to food that's in your backpack. Food that actually makes it into your backpack usually needs to fit this criteria:

1. It must be light
2. It must be nonperishable(ish)
3. It has to have enough calories to justify its weight (i.e., if it's heavy, it better have a ton of calories)
4. It must be edible even when utterly squashed to smithereens inside of a ziploc bag

There is one pretty significant genre of food that does not fit these criteria:

PRODUCE.

Fruits and vegetables are almost completely neglected by hikers. This isn't so because we're irresponsible candy-crazed woods-children with no maturity (though the jury is still out). No, produce gets left behind because it is too heavy and doesn't provide enough calories to be worth its weight. Also, a tomato which has been squashed inside your backpack and subsequently leaked out over all of your posessions is not a tomato that gets a lot of appreciation.

Dumptruck and I ate multivitamins, and we tried our hardest to eat fresh food when we were in towns, but I would still sometimes crave something, anything that wasn't 95% preservative non-food nonsense... Even though, let's be honest, that crap is DELICIOUS.

But then, about halfway through the trail we suddenly realized the answer. There was one piece of produce that was easy to pack, was self-contained, and had enough calories. We rediscovered our old friend, the life of the party, the rock and the roll: the avocado.

An avocado is great because it stays hard, like a small rock, in your pack until the day it's ripe enough to eat. Then you just put it in the brain (top compartment) of your pack, for easy access the day it will be consumed. Then you can cut it open, cover it in salt and just eat it with your face. If you're feeling fancy you can scoop it out with your spork, but really, it works just as well to just eat it like the semi-intelligent apes we all are. 

Just don't eat the skin, because then you'll have to see it again later.

Love,
Clever Girl

Monday, September 15, 2014

71. Hiking On After A Long Break

"I'm setting up the tent," I said definitively, dropping my pack to the ground, and then spasming all of my limbs outward in a flurry of flailing arms and stomping feet. It was a little like when a horse twitches its entire body to try and dislodge all of the flies. This was never an effective way to get rid of mosquitos, but it was juuuust violent enough that it helped me get out the frustration of being lunch for 1,000 insects. 

"But it's only 10am," said Whistle, "Aren't we hiking on after this break?"

"Absolutely!" I said, unrolling the tent from its stuff sack and then whipping it around me like a matador, trying to scatter the new cloud of insects that had begun to swarm me. I set up the tent, without the rainfly, then dove inside it and zippered the mesh closed behind me.

"But I am going to enjoy this break even if it kills me," I sighed, stretching out and laying down on the floor of the empty tent. I offered for Dumptruck and Whistle to get into the tent as well, but expressed that they felt it would be too hot, and instead contented themselves with getting water from the creek in their water bottles them dumping them all over their heads.

We had already hiked a really good distance that day, but planned on doing more after 2pm or so. We waited out the mid-day heat in a small grove of trees, and I drifted off into a nap in my tent. 

Then later in the day, I had to make a decision. Well, really it wasn't much of a decision because we were planning on hiking on, and we were definitely going to go, but I still had to put in the mental and physical effort to put myself back together and keep going. I will be honest with you, dear reader, sometimes this was really hard. Sometimes the thought of just napping a whole day away seemed great. 

Except in those cases it wouldn't have been great, because it would have been avoidant. We took lots of zeros, and nearos, and deviated from our plans constantly. But those were all for fun reasons, or health reasons, or practicality. We hardly ever ended days early out of sheer laziness

But that didn't stop the lazy monster from trundling after me on the trail some days, drawling in it's ho-hum voice You could just stop here for the day, y'know.

When we did stop for long breaks on hot days, that was when it was hardest to ignore the lazy monster, to pick up and carry on even when, god forbid, it wasn't perfectly fun all the time. Therefore, it was always a little celebration victory when I was able to look the lazy monster in the eye and tell him that he was NOT the boss of me, and hike on. 

I think this carries over into a lot of our daily lives, too. I think it specifically applies to chores. They're rarely fun, but I always feel really good once I get up the energy to do them and get them done. Hiking the AT wasn't a chore, but some days it could feel that way, because of the weather, or not having the food I was craving, or walking through 10 spiderwebs in a row. On those days, defeating the lazy monster was a truly spectacular feeling, because it meant that I was commited, even when things weren't perfect. I knew all I had to do was keep hiking, and I'd get to a place that was where I wanted to be.

Even if that place was at the next trail town, sitting on a curb outside a gas station eating little debbie's pies, and not sharing any of it with the lazy monster.

Love,
Clever Girl

Friday, September 12, 2014

How Clever Girl Learned The Difference Between Girls and Boys

I am taking a week "vacation" from the 200 Things List, due to a heck of a lot of insane traveling that I am doing this week that will take me far out of cellphone range from Monday through Wednesday. This nuts week will be concluding on Friday with a 24-hour, 200 mile "Reach the Beach" relay race I am running from Franconia Notch in New Hampshire to the ocean. I am running 24 miles for my team. I will definitely give you a run-down of the crazy race afterward!

In the meanwhile, to entertain you, I will still be updating this week, but with some fun essays about ridiculous things that have happened to me. I hope you enjoy.

---

My little brother wasn't born until I was 8, which means it was just my sister and I for a long time. Though I was always friends with boys, it never even crossed my mind that there was anything fundamentally different between genders. Likely, this is why I could be friends with boys in the first place, while my female counterparts were using words like "icky" and "cooties". Thus, when I learned that there was a difference between boys and girls it was startling, and also very embarrassing.  

The first friend that I really remember was named Andrew. Andrew was my first introduction to the boy/girl dividing line, but was not the source of my dawn of understanding. Andrew and I were in Kindergarten together. I was the only girl he played with, but I never really noticed until the Harvest Festival. Andrew and I had plans to play tag after the festivities. We were all getting our faced painted; Andrew became a dog, I became a dragon (complete with orange and red "flames" painted around my mouth that made it look like I'd barfed fruit punch kool-aid all over myself).  

Later on, I went to find Andrew to play tag. He gently put a hand on my shoulder and shook his puppy-painted head.

"Sowwy," he lisped, "I have to pway with Siewwa... She's a cat. I'm a dog."

I looked over, and there was aryan Sierra, face fiendishly painted like a cute little kitten. Making eye contact with Andrew, I make my best sad, pitiful face, which was either helped or hindered by looking like a liquor-addled dragon (depending on your perspective). He said nothing, but simply shook his head, tearing his gaze away from mine. Taking his hand from my shoulder, he scampered off to play with Barbie's little sister.

I spent recess sitting in a corner of the playground, darkly watching Andrew chase Sierra around the yard. He barked, she meowed. It was love. And I was pissed... but I couldn't understand why. There was some dim understanding that I had been outmatched by another girl, but I couldn't grasp what that meant. Grappling with such issues was beyond my realm of comprehension. I had other things to think about, such as whether or not my dragon rage breath would set the entire playground ablaze.

After being abandoned by Andrew, a while later I took up a friendship with a boy named Caleb. Caleb was red-headed and covered in freckles, his family was friends with my family, and he was 5 years old, just like me. He had the coolest marble-works set, a bright green slide-whistle, and was just generally fun. At his house there was a gigantic backyard with surrounding woods to explore, as well as a fantastically constructed tree house. 

One time, Caleb and I were up in said tree house when he announced that he had to go pee. He put down his bubbles and climbed down to the ground.  

I stood up to blow more bubbles over the wall of the tree house, and to my surprise, I saw that Caleb was not walking back to the house to use to bathroom as I had expected. Instead, he simply walked a short distance away into the woods and stood with his back to me. I slowly titled my head to one side like a befuddled puppy, completely baffled. What in the world was he doing? A few moments later, he climbed back up into the tree house.  

I stared at him.

"What?" he asked.

"What were you doing?"

"Peeing."

"Oh... Well... I have to go pee too. I'll be right back."  

I climbed down from the tree house and took about 15 determined steps into the woods. This was as far as I had understood in terms of the instructions. From my vantage point, Caleb had simply stood there and somehow relieved himself without taking his pants off. I figured that there must be something magical about the woods that allowed such miracles.  

And so, without abandon, I simply stood there with my hands on my hips, looking out proudly into the majestic woods, and totally peed my pants.  

After I was finished, I looked down at urine-soaked self, utterly flummoxed. Why? Why would the miracles work only for Caleb but not for me? Did I have to pay the magical forest gnome toll?

Regardless of the reason, the end result was that I was wet and cold and already feeling the creeping sensations of shame. I turned around and walked back to the foot of the tree.  

"Caleb?" I called up.

"What?" he responded, poking his head into the hole in the floor of the tree house and looking down at me.

"I peed my pants."

"Why?"

"Dunno."

"Let's get my mom."  

I explained to Caleb's mom what had happened, and my resulting confusion. She gave me a fresh pair of pants (black wind-breakers with a neon-splatter paint pattern), sat me and Caleb down, and gently explained to us the difference between boys and girls. Caleb and I stared at his mom, then at each other.  

As a 5-year-old, there's not much you can say in response to this other than:

"Oh."    

Wednesday, September 10, 2014

How Clever Girl and Dumptruck Fell in Love

I am taking a week "vacation" from the 200 Things List, due to a heck of a lot of insane traveling that I am doing this week that will take me far out of cellphone range from Monday through Wednesday. This nuts week will be concluding on Friday with a 24-hour, 200 mile "Reach the Beach" relay race I am running from Franconia Notch in New Hampshire to the ocean. I am running 24 miles for my team. I will definitely give you a run-down of the crazy race afterward!

In the meanwhile, to entertain you, I will still be updating this week, but with some fun essays about ridiculous things that have happened to me. I hope you enjoy.

----

This is the story of how I became an accessory to animal murder during a rather formative time of Dumptruck and I's relationship... and why I feel extremely uncomfortable every time I make eye contact with anyone from PETA. If fishing, or killing a fish is something that would bother you, please don't read this post. YE HAVE BEEN WARNED.

---

"We caught one!!"

image

I looked up from the campfire, and peered down towards the small dock in the lake. Dumptruck and our friend Brett were down there with a fishing pole and a net. Several other friends were sitting around the campfire, sharing stories, oblivious to the whooping cries of delight. I, however, was not oblivious. This was in 2007, before Dumptruck and I had even acknowledged a mutual attraction. We'd only known each other a few weeks. I didn't even think he liked me (spoiler alert: we got married and hiked the AT together and now his name is Dumptruck instead of Mike). 

I was furiously crushing on him, and intent on proving that I was the pinnacle of modern cool. Thus, my ears were piqued to the sound of his voice, trying desperately to find that balance between being involved without appearing too eager. It was our night off from the overnight summer camp where we were all counselors, and we were spending the night at Brett's family's remote cabin on a lake in the middle of the woods. Upon arrival at the cabin, Dumptruck and Brett had set to fishing, just to see if they could do it.

Apparently, they could.  

I heard the clattering of the wooden stairs that led down to the lake, as Dumptruck and Brett came romping up to the cabin with their prize. I waited patiently (again, trying my best to come across as aloof yet devastatingly attractive), but they did not come to the campfire. Instead, they remained on the other side of the cabin, completely separate. Battling with myself, I decided it wouldn't be weird if I got up to investigate. They were huzzah-ing all over the place. Anyone would be curious.

I quietly got up from the campfire and walked around to the other side of the cabin, where Dumptruck and Brett were doing little victory dances. There was a large fish, a little over a foot long, flopping around in the net, which Dumptruck was holding aloft by its handle. Brett was also holding the fishing pole, the line leading down into the fish's mouth.

"Are you guys going to release it or keep it?" I asked, walking over to them and examining the creature in its net, letting out a low whistle.  

This is not going to end well.

Brett and Dumptruck exchanged glances.

"Well..." murmured Brett, "...we can't get the hook out."

"It swallowed it!" cried Dumptruck, by way of excuse.

I reached into the net, grasped the fish and looked at the damage. The line disappeared completely into its mouth, the hook was nowhere to be seen. I attempted to tug gently on the line, which sent the fish flopping nightmarishly around in pain.

"Could we just cut the line and set it free?" I suggested.

"No," replied Brett, "it's not just a hook. It's a 3-inch lure, feathers and everything. It'll die anyway."

"Well. That sucks," I stated, categorically.

"Wait here," said Brett, handing the fishing pole off to me.  

He disappeared into the cabin, leaving me and Dumptruck alone in the dark yard... nothing but a mutilated and dying animal suspended in the air between us. We made eye contact and then both quickly looked away. I was thankful for the darkness of the yard, obscuring the fact that I was blushing a brilliant scarlet. I rocked up and down on the balls of my feet, trying desperately to think of something clever to say. There were honest-to-god crickets chirping.

The fish flopped around.

"Soooo..." started Dumptruck.

He was cut off by the abrupt return of Brett, who was carrying a bucket half-full of water. He placed the bucket under the net, and we gently lowered the fish into the water, to give it the breath of life while we tried to get the hook out. The bucket, however, was not full enough to completely submerge the fish, which meant that it still couldn't breathe and was now bent at an angle.  

"Whatever!" cried Brett desperately, "We just have to get the hook out!" He put his hands into the net and tugged on the line. Brett tugged and tugged, the fish flopped and flopped, and slowly the dirty water began filling with blood. After a few minutes of pointless struggle, Brett stood up, his hands on his hips. The three of us looked down at the gasping animal, and the silence stretched out between us. 

"This is horrible. We can't just let it suffer like this. We have to put it out of its misery," I said. 

The boys nodded gravely. 

"The question is how," I continued, looking around for something immediately evident that could be used to slaughter a large struggling fish. Dumptruck handed off the handle of the net to Brett, and disappeared into the cabin. A few moments later, he emerged with an object in each hand. Brett and I looked over at Dumptruck, waiting for him to deliver us out of this devastating situation.  

"We can either stab it in the head with this knife," he held up a 8-inch serrated bread knife, "Or hit it with this board," he concluded, holding up a 2x4.  

Brett and I regarded Dumptruck, seriously weighing our options. I would like to take this moment to give you some perspective. Dumptruck, Brett and my ages at the time were 23, 22 and 21. Brett and Dumptruck held college degrees, and though I had not yet graduated, I had an extremely high GPA. We have absolutely no excuse for this travesty of intellect.

"How about we tug on the line, and if the fish flops once, we'll stab it in the head, and if it flops twice, we'll hit it with the board," offered Dumptruck.

Brett and I agreed to this plan immediately. The three of us surrounded the bucket, I reached down and tugged on the line, and the fish flopped about 6 or 7 times. "I guess that means the board," surmised Dumptruck.

Brett and I hoisted the fish out of the bucket and back into the air, its stubbornly alive body suspended in the net. Dumptruck dropped the knife to the ground, then went around to the net to set himself up like a baseball player with the 2x4. He lined up his shot and wound back.  

"3...2...1," Brett and I closed our eyes and tilted our heads the other way, as Dumptruck whipped the board around with terrifying speed and force, and absolutely no accuracy. He missed completely. Brett let out a little involuntary squeak.

"Sorry guys," murmured Dumptruck, who immediately readjusted, lined up for the strike, and brought the board swinging around to bring this story of horror to a swift close. This time there was successful connection, signaled by the loud, visceral, wet and crunchy SLAP sound. By all appearances that fish was dead, dead, dead.

We all stared at the creature, trying to decide whether to celebrate or mourn.

"I guess we may as well get the lure back," Brett offered, half-heartedly. We ambled over to the front stoop of the cabin, and lay the fish's deathly still body on the ground. All three of us leaned in very close, Brett and Dumptruck held the fish down with their hands, while I tugged full-force on the line. All of our faces were within a foot of the fish, staring intently at our project, when, quite suddenly,

it breathed.  

Dumptruck and Brett leapt up like cats who'd just been dropped into tubs full of water. They went spiraling away from the zombie fish, screaming and flailing, dancing around on their toes and clutching at each other. I was so completely caught up in playing my role of tres cool that I was able to look like a totally calm badass, while inside I was screaming and screaming and screaming. I slowly stood up, allowing them to completely get it out of their system. As the two of them eventually calmed, gasping for air with the hands on their knees, I cleared my throat, pointed to the fish, and declared,

"We have to hit it again."

We loaded the fish back into the net, set it up for the strike, and Dumptruck whacked it again with full force. This time the fish's neck snapped and its head was bent at a gruesome angle. If that fish was still alive we could no longer be held accountable. We'd done all we could. We successfully removed the lure, and Dumptruck inexplicably decided to wrap the corpse in aluminum foil and stick it in the fridge in the cabin "for breakfast."

We three joined the group around the campfire, and told our story. The other people were aghast, completely baffled that this idiotically performed slaughter had occurred mere feet from their merry gathering.

Early the next morning, true to his word, Dumptruck rebuilt the campfire and threw the fish into the flames, wrapped in its aluminum foil. I emerged from the cabin to see him sitting alone on a rock in the early morning fog, clutching a jar of salsa, waiting for the fish to cook.

"Did you gut it?" I asked, as politely as possible.

"Did I what?" responded Dumptruck, poking at the aluminum package in the flames with a stick.

"Oh, nothing... You're going to put salsa on it?"

"There wasn't anything else, you see," replied Dumptruck, conversationally. Determining that enough time had passed, he dragged the aluminum out of the embers and opened it to reveal the stinking black-charred fish. He poured some of the Tostitos Thick n' Chunky on the creature, stabbed it with a fork, and took a bite. He immediately spat it out, coughing. I raised my eyebrows and bit my tongue so hard that it hurt.

"No... no good?" I asked. Dumptruck shook his head in disgust, picked up the foil, walked into the woods, and flung the fish off of the foil into the dense undergrowth.

"I hope bears don't mind spicy food," he said cheerfully, returning to the campfire, sitting down next to me and subtly resting his hand on the ground next to mine, such that our fingers were lightly touching. I got a little flutter. We sat in silence, watching the campfire blaze merrily, as the morning fog rolled away across the still lake to reveal a beautiful, summer day.

Love,
Clever Girl

Monday, September 8, 2014

How Clever Girl Almost Committed Accidental Patricide

I am taking a week "vacation" from the 200 Things List, due to a heck of a lot of insane traveling that I am doing this week that will take me far out of cellphone range from Monday through Wednesday. This nuts week will be concluding on Friday with a 24-hour, 200 mile "Reach the Beach" relay race I am running from Franconia Notch in New Hampshire to the ocean. I am running 24 miles for my team. I will definitely give you a run-down of the crazy race afterward!

In the meanwhile, to entertain you, I will still be updating Monday, Wednesday and Friday, but with some fun essays about ridiculous things that have happened to me. I hope you enjoy.

----

Wintertime never stopped my family from playing outside. If I put together all the snowballs I'd ever made in my life, I could probably make a Ziggurat out of them. There's always that initial shock of feeling the snot crystallize inside your nose, and the fleeting fear that if you blink then your eyeballs might get frozen shut. Then of course there's the searing pain of having to hold your bladder for hours on end because it's just not worth it to have to go inside and spend 15 minutes peeling off all your layers for a measly 30 seconds of relief. The cost to benefit ratio just doesn't add up. But really, playing outside in the snow is fun!

We were living in a big yellow house in Rockland, Maine, and I was in kindergarten. (Sidebar: I recently saw this house again when I ended up in Rockland, and it's not actually big at all. It's just a regular house. But in my brain I still remember it as being palatial. It probably just looks smaller to me now because I'm 12 feet tall and weigh 700 pounds... I have spent a lot of time standing in front of open microwaves). Our backyard connected with a big neighborhood field, with apple trees and a little valley that sloped down to a merry little creek at the bottom. The valley was a perfect sledding hill, and the creek was far enough away that you would typically come to a natural stop several yards before the 6 foot sheer drop off, so you never had to worry about falling over the edge and into freezing water.

Except this one time. Of course.

We had these fantastic "sleds" called snow tubes, which were little more than inflated tire tubes with a piece of plastic stretched over the hole in the middle. They were made of good rubber, and hardly ever popped. They were also as close to frictionless as possible, which made for seriously excellent speed going down hills. Typically we'd have just one person on one sled at a time, or maybe I might go down with my sister. One fateful day, my dad suggested that he and I should ride on the tube together, with me in his lap.

I agreed. What fun!

Our breath fogged the crisp winter morning air and the snow crunched beneath the weight of the snow tube as dad and I sat down. My sister took a running start and slammed into Dad's back, shoving us off down the hill. We were flying. We were going SO FAST. Our combined weight made it such that we flew down the hill in no time, and were going on a direct collision course right for the 6 foot drop off into freezing water and rocks that I mentioned earlier. I began to panic. My happiness instantly melting away into animal fear. Right as we approached the edge of the mini cliff, Dad expertly touched snow with his hand, altering our direction so we went zooming along the edge of the cliff. A few inches of the snow tube dangling over the edge as we hurtled along, but we were perfectly safe. There was no way we were going to fall into the creek.

"WE'RE GONNA FALL IN!" I screamed.

"No we're not! We're fine!"

"BUT WE'RE GONNA FAAAALLL IIIIIIINNN!"

"NO WE ARE NOT. DO NOT JUMP OFF THIS TUBE, YOUNG LADY."

But I did.

I jumped.

I was in a blind panic, nothing could get between me and my blessed self preservation. I struggled free of my dad's clutching arms, and leapt off the tube, towards the safe, solid ground. I flew through the air and gloriously face-planted into the snow, pile-driving up a wall of snow with my face, my feet flipped up over my back.

Now, if you have a basic understanding of the laws of physics, you can probably imagine what subsequently befell my loving father. As my face was at that point buried in the snow like an ostrich in the sand, I can only imagine what happened. My sideways leap sent Dad launching out into the open air over the creek. I imagine that he hovered there in the atmosphere for a moment, like Wil E. Coyote, questioning what decisions in his life had brought him to this awful moment. Gravity took over and he dropped like a stone, down into the abyss.

Meanwhile, on the bank, I rolled over and spat a mouthful of half-melted snow out onto the ground. Rubbing my eyes, I lifted my head and looked around for Dad. But he was nowhere to be seen! After a few seconds of panic about the fact that my father had become invisible, my tiny child brain finally resolved a logical understanding of where he might be. I army-crawled my way over to the edge of the drop off, curled my mittens over the edge, and scooted forward so that just my eyes and nose passed over the threshold, terrified of what I might see.

My dad had managed to stand up. He was calmly standing up to his knees in the creek water, in the epicenter of an explosion of broken ice. The water that was swirling around his legs was brown and full of rotten leaves from autumn. He was covered in mud. He wasn't just sort of muddy. He looked like a creature. One of his mittens was missing. His winter hat was askew.

We made eye contact.

"I TOLD YOU WE WERE GONNA FALL IN. BOY AM I GLAD I JUMPED OFF! YOU SHOULD LISTEN TO ME BETTER, DADDY."

I didn't comprehend until some years later that had I not leapt from the sled, neither of us would have fallen in. But at the time, I was a smug little lady.

And that’s how I almost committed accidental patricide.

Love,
Clever Girl

Wednesday, September 3, 2014

72. Calf Muscles the Size of Cantaloupes

Do you have any idea how hard it is to put on a pair of skinny jeans if you have hiker calves? It's impossible. You've been walking for thousands of miles over mountains, carrying a gigantic pack, and your calves have turned into a pair of rock-solid cantaloupes, completely unsquishable under any circumstance.

It's like carrying around a set of dumb-bells on your legs.

This does not bode well for putting on pants when you get back into regular society. You just have to accept that you will be wearing nothing but shorts, even to the office, for your foreseeable future.


If it's wintertime and you can't wear shorts, here are some alternatives for clothing the lower half of your body that your hiker calves MIGHT fit into:




Even though you might spend several hours at Goodwill, trying in vain to find a single pair of pants that actually fits over your ridiculously muscular legs, there will be a moment when you realize that this kind of problem is actually 



because how cool is it that your legs are so beefy that pants rip off of you like you're some kind of



?!

You could crush the skulls of your enemies just by allowing them to LOOK at your calves, and whole armies would flee from the sheer power of your leg melons! You are unstoppable! This is the best problem you've ever had! You strain the seams of the legs of all the pants IN THE WORLD because your legs are TOTALLY HARDCORE.

Who cares if you have to wear shorts for forever?

Love,
Clever Girl

Monday, September 1, 2014

The Poo Flood

In honor of my high school reunion this past Friday, I'd like to share a lurid tale about the time that my entire high school dormitory flooded with poop. I recognize that this isn't specifically hiking related, though I will say that this experience definitely prepared me for the privies along the trail. No, mostly I thought you guys would find this story pretty amusing, and I won't have a better excuse than it being my 10-year-reunion to be able to share this with you.

So, without further ado:


The Poo Flood.



It was the night of September 10th, and it was pouring rain outside. I was 15 years old, and little did I know that on this particular night I would get to learn what it felt like to stand bare-foot and ankle-deep in a raging river of pipe-regurgitated fecal matter.

I was attending the Maine School of Science and Mathematics, a magnet high school nestled firmly in the middle of absolutely nowhere in northern Maine. We were in a town called Limestone, which boasted one tiny grocery store, one pizza place and a diner which remained in existence solely out of bitter spite. 

The school itself was technically a public school, but it had a specific focus, and prerequisites for getting in (i.e., pervasive NERD disorder... they let in some non-nerds at some point and it was just a disaster). It was also a boarding school, and we all lived there. There were no freshmen, only sophomores, juniors and seniors. My graduating class was 44. Winter began in October and ended in May. Now you know all you need to know about my school. Back to the important part: gallons of poop.

Here is a (very simplified) diagram of our dorm hallway:



It was about 10:30pm, and there was a torrential rainstorm outside. Everyone would get locked into their dormitory wings by 10pm (so that there wouldn't be any late-night shenanigans between the girl's wings and the boy's wings... not that separating boys and girls ever prevented shenanigans from occurring), so all the girls were either in their rooms, getting ready for bed, or flitting about in whatever way you would like to imagine a group of teenage girls might flit about (there weren't as many pillow fights as you might want there to be). I was in B-wing, a wing that was one floor at ground-level. I was sitting in my room, eating dried papaya and mod-podging magazine cut-outs onto my computer, when I heard screaming coming from the hallway. I leaped up and ran out into the hall, just in time to see Margot standing in the middle of the hall, covered in soap, clutching her towel to her body and declaring, in a genuinely impressive display of self-control,


"THERE IS S*** COMING OUT OF THE SHOWER."


There was a moment of silence, as all of us pajama-clad females exchanged glances with one another... glances that were daring each other to go into the bathroom and check, glances that were full of desperation, of hope that maybe Margot had just finally snapped, glances that reminded everyone that no, Margot definitely had her head screwed on straight and we just had to accept that something terrible was about to happen to all of us. Margot broke the silence by firmly reminding us that there was poop in the shower, and displayed corroborating evidence by pointing into the bathroom.


We all stood there in horror, watching dark, foul-smelling chunky water gurgle up out of the toilet, out of the sink faucet, out of the shower drain. It moved slowly, but with a constant determination. Like the serial killer in slasher movies - they just walk while you sprint away in vain: they always catch up to you and end your miserable life.


Just then there was the sound of splashing, and we shuffled down the hallway en masse to see that the next bathroom was starting the same pattern. The brown monster was oozing out of the first bathroom, spreading out onto the floor, joining the flow from the 2nd bathroom, cutting us off from the only escape route. We stumbled backwards like a group of bemused sheep, huddling together and hoping, praying that it would stop.




I can't remember what people were saying as I was too busy being distracted by my vision kaleidoscoping in disbelief, but I imagine there was a lot of screaming. There must have been screaming, because I distinctly remember Didi coming out of her room in fury, hair mussy and pillow-lines on her face, saying.


"I don't care what the EFF is going on, but y'all need to SHUT UP because-"


"Didi! Didi, go put your glasses on."


"NO. I am SLEEPING."


"DO IT."


"FINE."


A few moments later, Didi reemerged from her room, ready for murder, focused her eyes on the poo flood and said,


"Oh. Well that's alright then."

We were only a few inches away from the flood as it crept towards us like a menacing beast. The third bathroom and the fourth bathroom had exploded at this point, and the poo-pressure from all four bathrooms combined was creating a true river that took up the entire hallway, wall-to-wall. It was at least an inch deep at this point and picking up speed. Someone stumbled as we shuffled backwards, and fell. We all screamed, picked her up and carried her backwards as she said, "SAVE YOURSELVES!! LEAVE ME BEHIND!"


We were about 15 feet away from the entrance to the dorm, an un-fordable river of crap separating us from freedom. There were a few survivors on the opposite side of the flood, watching us get farther and farther away. My sister was on the other side, and I remember crying out to her, begging for help. She reached her hand towards me desperately and said in defeat, "There's nothing we can do!!"





I thought I was never going to see her again. That I would drown in level 5 poop rapids, and I would never live to see my 18th birthday. I would never know what it was like to be drunk. I would never make out with anyone. All my dreams of rampant sinning were on the verge of being washed away in a brown fury. I was going to die an innocent, pig-tailed 15-year-old nerd. And that pissed me off more than anything else.


The bathroom I shared with three other girls was the 5th bathroom, and I tore open the door, hoping to save my toiletries and toothbrush that I kept in a shower caddy on the floor. In my haste to open the door and in my blind fury about dying a prude, I didn't think about the consequences. Before I could react, cold diarrhea water was flowing mercilessly over my feet, little chunks nestling happily between my toes. I screamed so high that no sound came out (but dogs 50 miles away started chewing off their own legs).


I bolted out of my bathroom, and at this point all the girls had scattered, barricading themselves into their rooms. I tore down the hallway, the poop monster hot on my heels (it was moving pretty fast at this point, as more and more bathrooms joined the fight, one by one exploding with poop), following the voice of my roommate Rae, who was frantically calling my name. As I reached the door, Rae, beautiful, determined woman that she was, grabbed me by the shoulders, pulled me into the room and locked the door behind me. My other roommate, Lis, on the other hand, was perched on top of her free-standing closet, screaming like a banshee. I was about to start screaming too but Rae shook me by the shoulders.


"Get it together. Lis has gone bananas. We have to do something about that," and she pointed at the flood waters pouring in under the door.


We grabbed all the towels we owned, and piled them up in front of the door, stemming the flow. But the pressure must have built up, because, physics be damned, the flood waters started pouring in from UNDER THE WALLS. My desk was against the wall where the flood was creeping in, and I yanked it out of the way. My printer/scanner tumbled off my desk and went crashing into the fast-expanding brown puddle. We had run out of towels, so we sacrificed whatever we could, throwing socks and sweatshirts and extra blankets against the walls. Meanwhile Lis continued with her high-pitched keening from atop her perch, the perfect soundtrack to our sandbag montage of misery.


And we waited.

Rae and I sat close together in silence, staring at our soaking brown possessions, while Lis curled into a little ball on top of her closet and sobbed quietly. The rain was pouring outside, and the occasional peel of thunder would make Rae and I jump a little, pressing next to each other. Our towels and blankets had successfully stemmed the flow, but now we were quietly suffering the intoxicating stench that was slowly infiltrating the room. There were no sounds from the hallway, no phones ringing. We were utterly alone, perched on the edge of a fecal oblivion.


I don't know how long we waited, but I had started nodding off, my head on Rae's shoulder, when a knock at the door made us jolt up to our feet. Lis started screaming again. Rae said a few pointed words to Lis, which made her calm down a little bit, and then we went to the door. We pulled open the door a half-inch, looking through the crack three-stooges-style.


There, in the flooded hallway, stood Didi. The poo flood was stationary, and was now a 2-3 inch deep swamp covering quite literally every single bit of the hallway, the occasional poo log floating lazily by. Didi was wearing a pair of sparkling, 4-inch-tall platform heels, a pair of running shorts, a wife beater, and a look of utterly calm determination. She was the absolute picture of badass magnificence. I think it was at that moment I decided I wanted to be her when I grew up.


"The RAs say to jump out your windows. Good luck."


And she closed the door.





We managed to tear the screens out of our windows, and the three of us collected a few prized possessions, and then leapt out into the pouring rain, soaking grass and mud. We sprinted for the building entrance, and got in through the main lounge. There was a hubbub of activity in the main area of the dormitory. The other girls' wing (C-wing) was taking in survivors where there was space, while the rest of us were being herded down into the lower lounge where there was a multitude of couches for us to sleep on. We pushed a lot of the couches together to create little couch-boats, and piled in 5 or 6 girls into each boat. They said the poo flood had taken over the absolute entirety of the hallway, as well as the rooms of those who didn't have enough towels to stop the flood from coming under their walls. They told us that we'd probably have to live in the abandoned military barracks on the closed-down air force base nearby while they quarantined our dorm wing. They told us not to worry.


And, eventually, we slept.


---------------------

Rae, my roommate and rock during the epic poo flood of 2001 and my sophomore year of high school, passed away in a car accident in the summer of 2009. She was a beautiful, fantastic and caring person, who I will always remember fondly. If you never knew her, rest assured that if she wasn't there, I would have been enveloped in a whirlwind of poo (also a whirlwind of other potentially negative situations that happened to me sophomore year that she saved me from), and would likely be a very different person now. In that way, by knowing me or knowing others who knew her, you know her a little bit, too.

Friday, August 29, 2014

All Growed-Up

There will be no official post tonight because tonight is my 10-year high school reunion. Yep, I just revealed my age: I am an ageless time wizard.

So tonight I am going to go listen to a bunch of ska music and reminisce about being written up for having an ice cream fight in the parking lot. 

I'll be back on Labor-Daybor. 

Love you all,
Clever Girl