Thursday, November 8, 2012

This is why

Someone asked me why I am doing this.

Golly, that's a good question.

I feel like it makes perfect sense to me, but I haven't tried to truly articulate it. It becomes difficult to put these thoughts into words, because words are only boxes of meaning. The words I pick won't actually encompass the fullness of truth. How am I supposed to summarize an entire lifetime of feelings into one bullet-pointed list?!

This is just my way of avoiding telling you that the only reason I want to hike the trail is because I want a sanctioned excuse to be utterly filthy.

The main reason that I'm having trouble writing this list is because of the other lists I've seen. The lists that I have seen have one central theme: dissatisfaction. They're not happy with some aspect of themselves or their lives. They are driven by several motivation factors in regard to rekindling their lost enchantment with life. They don't like their job, feel stuck, feel lost in their understanding of themselves, have a need to discover what they want from life.

I am not unhappy. I have a job that I love. I have a great apartment. I live in a fabulous city with a wonderful community of friends.

So, when it comes to writing my own list, I am having trouble articulating exactly why I would want to leave all of that behind. The thing is, I don't want to leave all of that behind. And I don't really believe that I am leaving it. It's true that my life will be very different once I leave for the trail, and it won't go back to the way it was once I'm finished. But I'm not leaving myself behind. I do not believe that huge changes have to be precipitated by sadness or frustration.

I am not running away. I am running toward. I am running toward a future me, who can look back at my life and say that I never shied away from doing something just because I was comfortable. That greatness can exist where ever I am, whatever the circumstances, and even though I might be content right now, there can be so many different flavors of happiness. I want to try all of those flavors.

There's a book I am reading that recommends that I write down a thorough, numbered list of my reasons, so that I can refer back to the list whenever the trail gets hard. I tried to write a long list, but all of the things I came up with felt phony and forced. So here's my best shot, and the one that is the most honest:

Reason I am starting the trail:
I am happy.

Reason I will finish the trail:
I will be unhappy if I do not finish what I start.

2 comments:

  1. Lol short & sweet. I have discovered your blog & I think it is great. I do think you should write children stories, you have a wonderful imagination. Hope the second half of your hike is even better than the first.

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