Friday, February 7, 2014

142. Snot Rockets - An Illustrated Guide

There are no tissues for long-distance hikers. They'd get wet in the rain, you'd have to carry them out, or you'd just have it eat the used ones to hide the evidence. No one wants to do that. Why? Because there's not nearly enough calories in a tissue to justify that type of licentious behavior.

I suppose you could carry a hanky, but imagine having a hanky that you can't wash for a week at a time. I had a hanky at the beginning of my thru-hike, and after 3 days I deigned to call it my "nightmare rag."

 So instead it is common practice for hikers to "Snot Rocket."

I had never heard of this before I hiked. And it took me a solid 2 weeks to be able to learn how to do it without getting snot all over myself. In order to save you the heartache and inevitable embarrassment of having mucous all over the one and only shirt you have to hike in, I have spent some time drawing out a handy-dandy illustrated guide for all your Snot Rocketing needs!

Step One is to notice that you have something that has formed itself inside of your nose. This is your Happy Fun Friend. But don't be fooled or get attached- this is not going to be a lasting friendship. You may notice yourself wrinkling your nose, sniffling, or just a dawning horror that you are producing a steady waterfall of disgusting.

Step Two is to stop hiking. Once you have become a more advanced Snot Rocketer, feel free to live dangerously and let fly while in motion. I will caution you against doing this against the wind, on mountaintops, or if someone is standing directly in front of you. Lean over at approximately 45 degrees, off the trail. Find yourself a bush to aim for. Do not Snot Rocket onto porcupines, pheasants, or other woodland creatures. It is rude, and they WILL form an alliance to seek revenge.

Step Three is to firmly but gently place your finger against the outside of your nose, pressing down the nostril that does not contain your Happy Fun Friend. This will allow all of the air you're about to expel to be forced down the blocked nostril. This is raw physics here, people.

This is a cross section of a Hiker's Skull, offering a rare and beautiful glimpse into the serene, philosophical pondering that often takes place in the mind of a forest pilgrim. This is also a completely accurate, 100% medically perfect, no fudging at all drawing of your sinuses. They're generally pretty gross. Notice the location of your Happy Fun Friend. You want to be able to have all of your Carbon Monoxide Tornado to come up your windpipe, bypass your mouth, and go rocketing out the one open nostril. 

Step Five is to BLOW AS HARD AS YOU CAN. Keep your mouth closed. If you haven't done all of the steps properly, or if your Happy Fun Friend has grown far too large, nothing will happen, and your ears will pop. However, if you have followed all of the previous steps properly, your Happy Fun Friend will be expelled in a lumpy mass of glory that will probably find a bush or leaf to cling to while it slowly degrades into oblivion.  

Even though you raised that Happy Fun Friend, gently nurturing it from a small booger to a catastrophic ball of slimy nose jello, it's time to let it go. Let it be free. Let it fly.

It's happier this way.

Clever Girl

1 comment:

  1. Runners do this... and I've seen them do it while running, but I've never tried it myself. I tend to be a snorter rather than a blower if there's no tissue handy D:. Someday!!!