Wednesday, May 7, 2014

111. Things Hikers Say

I have compiled a list of some of the completely insane things that hikers say. The thing is, we don't realize these things are insane until a year later when we're sitting in front of a computer, thinking about it. And then we feel a little weird. All of these things are said with sincerity, without the slightest trace of irony. That's what makes them insane:

"Oh, yeah, I walked here from Georgia."

"Man, I'm so hungry. All I had to eat today was two packages of pop tarts, four bags of oatmeal, a bag of fruit snacks, two granola bars, an entire package of tuna with an entire avocado on a squished bagel, a half a pound of almonds, an entire box of couscous, a bag of dehydrated pineapples a snickers bar and two milky ways. Do you have any food you're not going to eat? I feel like I'm starving."

"Ramen noodles are so much better with peanut butter."

"Ramen noodles are so much better with peanut butter and smashed cheez-its."

"Ramen noodles are so much better with peanut butter, smashed cheez-its, and half a package of dehydrated mashed potatoes."

"I just eat my Ramen dry. It's like chips."

"I only took 12 Ibuprofen today! I must be getting stronger!"

"I'm so hot. I wish it would rain."
...10 minutes later...
"I'm so wet. I HATE THE RAIN."

"You found that food on the ground? Was there more? Why won't you share?"

"What? This unrefrigerated cheese is only a week old, it's perfectly fine. Just cut off the moldy and slimy parts. The stuff in the middle is still good."

"I actively had Norovirus so I only went 16 miles today. I Hansel-And-Greteled my way all the way down the trail."
... No one uses the term "Hansel-And-Greteled" to describe hiking while stopping routinely to expel the bodily fluids associated with Noro Virus. BUT NOW THEY WILL.

"Dude, I only went 21 miles today. I'm such a slacker."

"Hey, will you pop my blisters for me?"

"I lost my hat! It's only a 6 mile round trip back down this mountain and then back up again for me to go and get it and come back. I'll meet you later."

"It's 4 PM and it's only 15 more miles until the trail brings us into town? No problem! Let's do it!"
...Once in town at a motel...
"It's two blocks to the McDonald's? But I'm already lying here in this motel bed. It's too far. I'm just going to eat all the things that are in arm's reach of me."
"Oh god, I hate this show, but there's no remote control and I can't walk the five feet to the TV to change the channel. It's too far. Here Comes Honey Boo Boo it is. For the next four hours."

"Look! The motel gave us TWO tiny bars of soap! THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE."

"Oh, this? This is a dodge ball. I found it at a shelter and I've been carrying it for 300 miles. Its name is Billy."

"Does this look infected to you?"

"The worst part about hiking naked is the chaffing."

Standing in a disgusting, rusted out bathroom in a parking garage with no door, covered in graffiti and a fine layer of ancient filth...
"Oh yeah, I'd totally sleep here."

"Look! A mysterious blue tarp in hung up in the middle of the woods! There's probably a strange man hanging out under it! We should go say hi."

"No pain, no rain, no Maine!"

"Smell this."

Clever Girl

If you are a hiker, I'm sure you have some additions to this list. I know I didn't cover everything. Please feel free to add in the comments!


  1. "My [insert piece of gear here] is broken... can I borrow your duct tape?"

    "Do you mind if I take a scoop out of your butter tupperware?"

    "Is this a tan line or just dirt?"

  2. Absolutely made our day...wicked funny! Hopefully others will follow Hot Dog's lead and pitch in some more. This would make a great book all by itself. Here's a few we picked up just from reading your blog:

    "I got a good rate on the hotel room because it didn't have a bed."

    "I don't think it's that deep."

    "These rocks are good luck. Carry them with you."

    Mom and Dad

  3. If all six of us pitch in we can get a one bed room for 8$ a piece.

    It's OK take the bed I sleep better on the floor.

    I can't smell you.

    Where's the hiker box?

    Look a Porta toilet paper. ..oh and I can sit down woot.

  4. It's just one more mile to go...

  5. You think that beard is bushy...

    It's just a flesh wound.

    8 oz? Too heavy.

    Not white-blazed? No thank you.

    No really, we're not homeless...see, it's all here in my pack.