Friday, July 11, 2014

90. You Can Probably Fit Inside your Huge Backpack

Well hello there fashionistas, Upper East Siders and bored celebrities! Welcome to the first annual Hiker Cat Walk, held right here, in the middle of Clever Girl's childhood bedroom in her parent's home in rural Maine- the veritable epicenter of today's fashion industry. We all know the story of how Clever Girl, renowned hiker/fashion designer/cat hole expert, finished her long walk and then unceremoniously dumped all of her backpacking gear in a corner of a room in her parents' house, because she is a responsible, moral adult! And there the hiking gear was left to molder, germinate, mutate and eventually blossom into the incredible fashion you will see tonight!

We know you all have traveled here from far and wide to witness this celebration of art and the human form, and to most assuredly gasp, hyperventilate and possibly asphixiate in admiration for the perfect design quality of these pieces. 

As you well know, the design challenge this year was The Backpack, an unusual choice, bound to be fraught with complexities and, we can only hope, a huge payoff that will leave Tim Gunn shaking in his well-curated boots!

Without further ado, we humbly present The Gregory Deva, being used with the utmost homage to taste and frank stupidity!

The backpack is first seen here worn as a skirt. See all the pocket spaces that can be used for carrying all of your fashion necessities, like bars of gold or diamonds the size of softballs! Our model and designer is seen here using the new innovation, the zipper to open and close these discreet yet indispensible pouches.

Next the Deva can be progressively inched higher over your impossibly womanly hips and rump (this is a sample size- who let this regular human in here?!) to magically transform into a beautiful one-shoulder gown!

As you can plainly see, there are many straps and dangly bits hanging off the back, which can be used to strap all manner of necessities to your backside, such as: a kitty cat, several folding chairs, or your infant child.

When you find yourself in danger, simply lift up on the main strap! This will activate your "Rocket Propulsion" system, which is at the cutting edge of fashion and travel. Please use caution when activating the propulsion system, as it has a 97% chance of killing you instantly.

Having a bad hair day? Worry not! The Deva can be easily used as a subtle and eye-enhancing head scarf! Catch the eye of your sweetheart while your face is almost entirely hidden by the dark, pungent cavern of what used to be the rear-end of a backpacking pack! Alluring! Fresh! Accentuating!

And last but not least, for the male alphas among us, if you're looking for a new suit that just screams "white collar," have we got the solution for you! Simply unzip the bottom portion of our luxurious, German-designed Deuter, and just wedge your whole skull and torso in there as far as it can go. Can't see anything or use your hands? Excellent! This gives off the message that you are rich enough that you can pay someone else to do the seeing for you.

And that, my friends, is what it's all about.

Clever Girl

I spent all this evening going through the storage unit at my parents' home, getting rid of all my old things. By the time I sat down to write a post, I was a bit physically and emotionally exhausted from going through all the old relics of my life and saying goodbye to them. I tried writing 3 different posts before I gave up and decided to try and see if I could fit inside the backpack that I used on the AT. Turns out the answer is an enthusiastic affirmative.

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